The first day of being back home was fine. Everything that happened while I was visiting Stephen was still fresh in my head. And, of course, we could still talk all day on Facebook. I thought waiting to see him again would be easy. But, after just a few days it became apparent that it wouldn't be. For either of us.
He missed me terribly. I could see his depression worsening every day. And I was so worried about him that I didn't want to get out of bed and do anything. I wanted to make sure I stayed next to my phone for him.
He had wanted me to stay... but I knew I had to go back home, at least temporarily. I had to show my mom that I was okay. I know she was worried about me going off to stay for five days with some guy I met on the internet. I was also in the process of getting my GED, which is something I never got while I was with the Ex because he refused to help. So I wanted to finish that up before I moved anywhere, too.
Classes started back up in January, and I only had a few things left to do that were required in South Carolina before I could take my tests. I figured I could be done by February.
But I couldn't bear to watch Stephen getting worse like he was.
So I emailed to see how I could transfer everything I had done for my GED down to Georgia, and we started trying to make plans for me to move down with him. I had only been home for a couple of weeks, and I was already packing all of my things to move.
On December, 23rd, only a couple days before Christmas, I moved down to Georgia to be with him.
I got to spend Christmas with him and his family, and we got to start the New Year together. We even made New Year's resolutions together. We decided that we would make this year better than last year. I made the resolution that I would get my GED. And he had switched from smoking cigarettes to smoking a vapor, but he knew both made me uncomfortable. So his resolution was to quit smoking altogether.
It's May now, and we've kept our resolutions. I took the tests for my GED and passed, and he hasn't smoked at all since January!
And so far this year has been much better than last year for both of us, and it's definitely been better than any previous years for me.
We've been so busy that I haven't had much time to get bored, which I'm not used to. And Stephen's anxiety has definitely gotten much better. In fact, when I moved in he still couldn't drive around much. He could drive to the Wal-Mart up the road, which takes maybe three minutes to get to, but not much farther than that without having to turn around.
But just the other weekend, he drove us up to my mom and step-dad's house. Which means he got to meet them for the first time. And he got a new job. Now he's delivering pizzas and driving all over the city we live in, and is having no problems with it.
And the rest of this blog is going to be dedicated to posts about our daily lives.
Our achievements, things we do, things that happen, just like most other blogs. I'll be updating as regularly as I can!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Finally Meeting Him
It was a little difficult for Stephen's sister to find our house. My sister had to talk to her to guide her to our driveway. The house's address doesn't show up on the GPS, and it's down a driveway that goes behind a big barn, so it's easy to miss. It was around midnight I think before she found it.
I already had a bag of clothes and food packed to last me five days and I was ready to go when she pulled up. I didn't feel nervous like I thought I would. At least, not yet. I was just eager to get going. It had only been a few months, but I felt like I had been waiting forever to meet him.
The ride to his sister's house was mostly uneventful. I mainly just talked with him through Facebook and he would check my location on the GPS to see how close I was getting.
As we took the exit towards our destination, though, he stopped replying. He had been talking about being tired for most of the ride there, and he normally went to bed pretty early, so I figured he had probably fallen asleep. I sent him a few more messages to see if it would wake him up, and then I gave up and waited until we got there.
When we pulled up, that's when I started to get nervous. I didn't know what to expect, and I'd be here for five days with people I'd never met before and no way to get home. But I trusted him. I just hoped I wouldn't accidentally do anything to scare him off. Plus, it almost felt like meeting some celebrity you've been obsessing over for a long time. I mean, I had only seen a few pictures of him, and even though we had talked on Skype quite a bit, it was still just virtual. Now it was going to be real life.
I grabbed my things out of the trunk of his sister's car, and followed her inside... and then to the bedroom he was staying in. And she woke him up.
I can't explain the feelings that ensued. It was an indescribable type of joy. I had never been so happy about seeing someone in my life. And he, being half asleep, wasn't even sure of what was going on at first. All I could do while I waited for him to realize who I was, was look him over and smile.
After a minute or two, I could see the confusion leave his face and he asked his sister to leave the room. Then he waved me over for a hug, and I touched him for the first time. We hugged for quite a long time before I got up to take my coat off and he told me to go ahead and turn the lights off because of how late it was... it was already around 3am.
I climbed back into the bed and situated myself under the covers, and we just laid there and held each other all night. Neither of us got any sleep that night... we didn't do much of anything. We just cuddled and enjoyed each other's company. It was pure serenity.
The five days I spent there were nothing but wonderful. Just spending time with someone I connected with so well was an amazing experience that I had never had before. I baked him some cookies that I had been telling him I was going to make for him for months. We watched some movies, rode around along the roads on the four wheeler, and spent a lot of time snuggling.
Before I knew it, the five days were over and it was time for me to go home. Just like I had never been so emotional about seeing someone before... I had never felt sad about having to temporarily say goodbye, either. I thought I would be fine. But it wasn't easy. If it hadn't been for the fact that we promised each other not to cry, I would have started tearing up as soon as his sister and I pulled out of the driveway. We weren't sure when we'd be able to see each other again.
When I left, Stephen told me that he had two surprises for me and that I'd have to wait to see what they were. After we got up the road a little bit, he sent me a message saying to look in my wallet. So I grabbed my purse, pulled out my wallet and opened it up. Inside, there was a piece of paper on which he had written that he loved me and that we'd see each other again soon.
It was so hard not to cry, but I remembered the promise we made and I held it together.
The next surprise, he said, I would have to wait an hour or so for. So I kept sending him messages like normal. Then, when the clock on my phone hit 10am, a note popped up on my phone. He had made a daily reminder and set it to pop up at 10am every morning, saying "I love you!"
I still have that reminder on my phone. It's been over 145 days now, since it was made.
I made it back home safe, and tried to resume my daily life.
I already had a bag of clothes and food packed to last me five days and I was ready to go when she pulled up. I didn't feel nervous like I thought I would. At least, not yet. I was just eager to get going. It had only been a few months, but I felt like I had been waiting forever to meet him.
The ride to his sister's house was mostly uneventful. I mainly just talked with him through Facebook and he would check my location on the GPS to see how close I was getting.
As we took the exit towards our destination, though, he stopped replying. He had been talking about being tired for most of the ride there, and he normally went to bed pretty early, so I figured he had probably fallen asleep. I sent him a few more messages to see if it would wake him up, and then I gave up and waited until we got there.
When we pulled up, that's when I started to get nervous. I didn't know what to expect, and I'd be here for five days with people I'd never met before and no way to get home. But I trusted him. I just hoped I wouldn't accidentally do anything to scare him off. Plus, it almost felt like meeting some celebrity you've been obsessing over for a long time. I mean, I had only seen a few pictures of him, and even though we had talked on Skype quite a bit, it was still just virtual. Now it was going to be real life.
I grabbed my things out of the trunk of his sister's car, and followed her inside... and then to the bedroom he was staying in. And she woke him up.
I can't explain the feelings that ensued. It was an indescribable type of joy. I had never been so happy about seeing someone in my life. And he, being half asleep, wasn't even sure of what was going on at first. All I could do while I waited for him to realize who I was, was look him over and smile.
After a minute or two, I could see the confusion leave his face and he asked his sister to leave the room. Then he waved me over for a hug, and I touched him for the first time. We hugged for quite a long time before I got up to take my coat off and he told me to go ahead and turn the lights off because of how late it was... it was already around 3am.
I climbed back into the bed and situated myself under the covers, and we just laid there and held each other all night. Neither of us got any sleep that night... we didn't do much of anything. We just cuddled and enjoyed each other's company. It was pure serenity.
The five days I spent there were nothing but wonderful. Just spending time with someone I connected with so well was an amazing experience that I had never had before. I baked him some cookies that I had been telling him I was going to make for him for months. We watched some movies, rode around along the roads on the four wheeler, and spent a lot of time snuggling.
Before I knew it, the five days were over and it was time for me to go home. Just like I had never been so emotional about seeing someone before... I had never felt sad about having to temporarily say goodbye, either. I thought I would be fine. But it wasn't easy. If it hadn't been for the fact that we promised each other not to cry, I would have started tearing up as soon as his sister and I pulled out of the driveway. We weren't sure when we'd be able to see each other again.
When I left, Stephen told me that he had two surprises for me and that I'd have to wait to see what they were. After we got up the road a little bit, he sent me a message saying to look in my wallet. So I grabbed my purse, pulled out my wallet and opened it up. Inside, there was a piece of paper on which he had written that he loved me and that we'd see each other again soon.
It was so hard not to cry, but I remembered the promise we made and I held it together.
The next surprise, he said, I would have to wait an hour or so for. So I kept sending him messages like normal. Then, when the clock on my phone hit 10am, a note popped up on my phone. He had made a daily reminder and set it to pop up at 10am every morning, saying "I love you!"
I still have that reminder on my phone. It's been over 145 days now, since it was made.
I made it back home safe, and tried to resume my daily life.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Living at Home Again
I lived with my mom, step-dad and sister for about three months. They live in a very small house on quite a bit of acreage in South Carolina. The house is basically a small living room and a smaller kitchen, with a very small staircase leading up to a second floor which is a bedroom and a bathroom. My sister has the bedroom, and my mom and step-dad sleep in the living room. But they have a lot of land, with eleven horses and about twenty chickens, as well as twenty or thirty barn cats. They moved into this house sometime after I moved out when I was 18.
When I lived there, I had to share a bedroom (and a bed!) with my younger sister. It was a little awkward to say the least, but it was okay because I finally felt free. Probably for the first time in my life, really. Especially when my step-dad gave me a job.
My job was to go a few times a week to the house if this very wealthy family. (and I mean very wealthy. Their house probably takes up half an acre of land on it's own.) I had to drive a four-wheeler around their horse pastures, scoop up all of the poop, throw it into a little trailer that was attached to the four-wheeler, and drive it over to the special area they had to dump it in. I had to do that until all of the pastures were clean, and then come back a couple days later and do it again.
Of course, I still talked to Stephen from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. By that time, we started using Skype on our phones to talk to each other so we could actually see each other. I would still send him a nice good morning message as soon as I'd wake up, and he'd send me one back. We'd message each other back and forth all day, and in the evenings after I ate supper we'd Skype each other until we fell asleep.
He was still having a very hard time leaving his house because of his severe anxiety. He had seen a few different doctors, but most of the medications they had put him on either didn't work, or were only meant to be temporary. He finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it was farther away from his house than he had gone in months... and was a bit too far out of his comfort zone. He almost didn't go.
For the day of his appointment, I asked my step-dad if I could go to work the day before so that I could have that day off. I didn't tell him the reason, but I had wanted that day off so that I could Skype with Stephen while he went to his appointment, because otherwise he was too afraid to go.
After that, things started to get better for him. First it was slow, with very small improvements. I remember the first day he was able to spend most of the day out of his house, going to various stores with his sister. I was shoveling horse poop at the rich peoples' house when he told me he had been out all day doing things, and had felt okay. I jumped up and down with excitement for him. Of course, I tried to keep it a subtle celebration - I didn't want the other people working there to see me acting that way!
However, even though he was improving, it was still hard for us. We wanted so badly to be able to finally meet each other in person. But I can't drive at all, and his anxiety prevented him from being able to drive the two and a half hours from his house to mine. He could barely drive three minutes up the road.
We both tried to talk different people in our families into taking us to meet each other, but they would either say no or they would say yes but then change their minds at the last minute. The latter was harder for us than the former.
Finally though, we got a break. After Thanksgiving, Stephen went with his sister to run some errands and she actually mentioned coming to my house to pick me up and bring me down there to stay for five days. Of course, when he told me that I got excited, but I didn't really believe it at first. It wasn't until she pulled into my driveway hours later that I knew I was finally going to get to meet this man that I fell for over the internet... and I would get to see if he was as amazing in person as he was online.
When I lived there, I had to share a bedroom (and a bed!) with my younger sister. It was a little awkward to say the least, but it was okay because I finally felt free. Probably for the first time in my life, really. Especially when my step-dad gave me a job.
My job was to go a few times a week to the house if this very wealthy family. (and I mean very wealthy. Their house probably takes up half an acre of land on it's own.) I had to drive a four-wheeler around their horse pastures, scoop up all of the poop, throw it into a little trailer that was attached to the four-wheeler, and drive it over to the special area they had to dump it in. I had to do that until all of the pastures were clean, and then come back a couple days later and do it again.
Of course, I still talked to Stephen from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. By that time, we started using Skype on our phones to talk to each other so we could actually see each other. I would still send him a nice good morning message as soon as I'd wake up, and he'd send me one back. We'd message each other back and forth all day, and in the evenings after I ate supper we'd Skype each other until we fell asleep.
He was still having a very hard time leaving his house because of his severe anxiety. He had seen a few different doctors, but most of the medications they had put him on either didn't work, or were only meant to be temporary. He finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it was farther away from his house than he had gone in months... and was a bit too far out of his comfort zone. He almost didn't go.
For the day of his appointment, I asked my step-dad if I could go to work the day before so that I could have that day off. I didn't tell him the reason, but I had wanted that day off so that I could Skype with Stephen while he went to his appointment, because otherwise he was too afraid to go.
After that, things started to get better for him. First it was slow, with very small improvements. I remember the first day he was able to spend most of the day out of his house, going to various stores with his sister. I was shoveling horse poop at the rich peoples' house when he told me he had been out all day doing things, and had felt okay. I jumped up and down with excitement for him. Of course, I tried to keep it a subtle celebration - I didn't want the other people working there to see me acting that way!
However, even though he was improving, it was still hard for us. We wanted so badly to be able to finally meet each other in person. But I can't drive at all, and his anxiety prevented him from being able to drive the two and a half hours from his house to mine. He could barely drive three minutes up the road.
We both tried to talk different people in our families into taking us to meet each other, but they would either say no or they would say yes but then change their minds at the last minute. The latter was harder for us than the former.
Finally though, we got a break. After Thanksgiving, Stephen went with his sister to run some errands and she actually mentioned coming to my house to pick me up and bring me down there to stay for five days. Of course, when he told me that I got excited, but I didn't really believe it at first. It wasn't until she pulled into my driveway hours later that I knew I was finally going to get to meet this man that I fell for over the internet... and I would get to see if he was as amazing in person as he was online.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
The New Beginning
I thought it would take me a while to break up with the Ex. I mean, I had been with him for nine years! And there were many times that I wanted to leave him, but I just didn't. I didn't know where I could go, and I'm not self-sufficient enough to live on my own. So even though I took the first step and decided to talk to someone, namely Stephen, about it, I thought I'd still be stuck there for a while.
I think it was that weekend, when the Ex came home and I tried to pretend everything was normal, that I realized I couldn't fake it anymore. Any feelings I had for him had left years ago. And despite me trying all that time to make things work, he continued to treat me more like he treated our pets than like I was an actual human being. He degraded me, pretended that I wasn't capable of anything, and acted as if my needs should only be met if he felt like doing it for me. Otherwise, I was a burden to him and he made sure I felt that way.
So when the Ex came home from his job out of town, and he came in and started complaining about everything as usual, I decided it was time to tell him that I was thinking about leaving.
Of course, he was upset. He asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind, but I told him that I had tried talking to him about everything many times before, and he never wanted to listen. I told him that I would take a few days to decide what I wanted to do. In reality, though, I had already made my decision.
In movies, (in hetero-romantic relationships) women are often made to feel bad in one way or another for leaving their man. The new love interest is seen as horrible and stuck-up, as someone that the woman only went to because he made more money and was more successful, but he is shown as having a terrible personality. The ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is seen as innocent, but maybe slightly misguided as he tries everything to get his life together and usually to impress their child as a way to win the woman back. And the audience is convinced to cheer for the ex, and to hope the woman gets back with him, because he's such a nice guy and why did she leave him to begin with for the rude-but-rich guy?
For the longest time, I blamed myself when my relationship with the Ex went downhill. I thought it must be my fault, I must not be trying hard enough or doing enough. That's how he made me feel about it, too.
But I'm past that, now.
I had fallen in love with a guy that actually treated me like a human being.
And... I let him know by asking him over Facebook messenger if he would date someone like me, if I got up the courage to break it off with the Ex.
After I sent him that, I was scared. I was scared he might say no for a number of reasons. I was scared because I had never done anything like that before. And I was scared to lose our friendship. But my feelings for him were too strong to ignore. So when I sent him the message, I put my phone down and covered my head with a blanket. When he messaged me back, I couldn't pick up the phone. I was afraid of the worst, so I let the phone sit for a minute. Then I braced myself, and picked it up...
That was nine months ago now, and I still remember what he said.
"I would in a heartbeat..
..My feelings for you have been getting stronger and stronger over the past few months."
---------------------------------------------
I told my mom that I wanted to move back in with her. The next weekend, I went with her and my sister to spend a couple days visiting my cousin who lives by the beach. The week following that, my step-dad drove three hours north to where I lived so I could put all of my things in his truck. This is where my new life began, and I finally felt free.
I think it was that weekend, when the Ex came home and I tried to pretend everything was normal, that I realized I couldn't fake it anymore. Any feelings I had for him had left years ago. And despite me trying all that time to make things work, he continued to treat me more like he treated our pets than like I was an actual human being. He degraded me, pretended that I wasn't capable of anything, and acted as if my needs should only be met if he felt like doing it for me. Otherwise, I was a burden to him and he made sure I felt that way.
So when the Ex came home from his job out of town, and he came in and started complaining about everything as usual, I decided it was time to tell him that I was thinking about leaving.
Of course, he was upset. He asked if there was anything he could do to change my mind, but I told him that I had tried talking to him about everything many times before, and he never wanted to listen. I told him that I would take a few days to decide what I wanted to do. In reality, though, I had already made my decision.
In movies, (in hetero-romantic relationships) women are often made to feel bad in one way or another for leaving their man. The new love interest is seen as horrible and stuck-up, as someone that the woman only went to because he made more money and was more successful, but he is shown as having a terrible personality. The ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is seen as innocent, but maybe slightly misguided as he tries everything to get his life together and usually to impress their child as a way to win the woman back. And the audience is convinced to cheer for the ex, and to hope the woman gets back with him, because he's such a nice guy and why did she leave him to begin with for the rude-but-rich guy?
For the longest time, I blamed myself when my relationship with the Ex went downhill. I thought it must be my fault, I must not be trying hard enough or doing enough. That's how he made me feel about it, too.
But I'm past that, now.
I had fallen in love with a guy that actually treated me like a human being.
And... I let him know by asking him over Facebook messenger if he would date someone like me, if I got up the courage to break it off with the Ex.
After I sent him that, I was scared. I was scared he might say no for a number of reasons. I was scared because I had never done anything like that before. And I was scared to lose our friendship. But my feelings for him were too strong to ignore. So when I sent him the message, I put my phone down and covered my head with a blanket. When he messaged me back, I couldn't pick up the phone. I was afraid of the worst, so I let the phone sit for a minute. Then I braced myself, and picked it up...
That was nine months ago now, and I still remember what he said.
"I would in a heartbeat..
..My feelings for you have been getting stronger and stronger over the past few months."
---------------------------------------------
I told my mom that I wanted to move back in with her. The next weekend, I went with her and my sister to spend a couple days visiting my cousin who lives by the beach. The week following that, my step-dad drove three hours north to where I lived so I could put all of my things in his truck. This is where my new life began, and I finally felt free.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
How it Started (Part Two)
Over time, Stephen, the creator of the guild, and I became friends. Other people came and went, but us three played the game together pretty much every day, and we all would talk on a voice chat program called TeamSpeak. Sometimes I chose to remain silent and listen because speaking doesn't always come easy for me, especially if I'm stressed, but they never judged me for it. (Although, later on Stephen would tell me that before I had a working microphone, he thought I might have been a guy that was just claiming to be a girl.) They knew about my disability and didn't bother me about it.
When we met, Stephen had a job working in retail at a chain pet store. He was also a smoker and a drinker. Not long after, though, the stress that he was experiencing in multiple areas of his life, as well as the depression he had, caused him to have a panic attack and then he started to show signs of severe anxiety that would soon leave him unable to drive and unable to keep his job. This meant that he was stuck at home all day, every day. Very much like myself, but for slightly different reasons.
During the next few months, he would get worse. And during that time, we had a lot of time that we could spend just talking to each other over Facebook because neither of us had anywhere else to be. I would send him messages both because I wanted to check in on him, and because I genuinely enjoyed our conversations and noticed that we got along very well. I also wanted to help him, but I wasn't sure how.
We would talk about our pasts and tell each other stories, and we'd talk about our hopes and dreams sometimes, too. We'd talk about our interests, and we'd share music. And we'd talk about things that were happening in our day to day lives.
I ended up joining Roller Derby because it gave me something to do to get out of the house. We had moved close to the Ex's mom, and I was able to talk her into taking me to practice. By that time, I was already in the habit of sending Stephen a message on Facebook as soon as I would wake up every morning, before I would even get out of bed, and he would very enthusiastically greet me back and tell me good morning. It never took him long to respond - he was always already awake and waiting for my first message of the day. So, he was happy for me that I joined Roller Derby and could go do something. But, he was also sad when I would leave for practice. So I always made sure to message him as soon as I got home. I don't think I wanted to admit it to myself just yet, but I missed talking to him while I was gone, too.
That denial wouldn't last very long. I wasn't done learning how to play derby, hadn't even been put on a team yet, before I decided to come clean with him that my relationship with the Ex wasn't as great as I pretended it was. He was actually the first person I would tell about that.
Stephen was always very respectful and he always treated me as strictly his best friend, and never tried to make a move on me. He told me that I really needed to talk this over with the Ex. But I explained to him that I had been doing that for nine years, and nothing had ever changed. I told him that I planned on breaking up with the Ex, but I didn't know when I'd have the courage. He said he'd be there for me whenever I needed him.
The last part of the story up until now, I'll save for another day!
When we met, Stephen had a job working in retail at a chain pet store. He was also a smoker and a drinker. Not long after, though, the stress that he was experiencing in multiple areas of his life, as well as the depression he had, caused him to have a panic attack and then he started to show signs of severe anxiety that would soon leave him unable to drive and unable to keep his job. This meant that he was stuck at home all day, every day. Very much like myself, but for slightly different reasons.
During the next few months, he would get worse. And during that time, we had a lot of time that we could spend just talking to each other over Facebook because neither of us had anywhere else to be. I would send him messages both because I wanted to check in on him, and because I genuinely enjoyed our conversations and noticed that we got along very well. I also wanted to help him, but I wasn't sure how.
We would talk about our pasts and tell each other stories, and we'd talk about our hopes and dreams sometimes, too. We'd talk about our interests, and we'd share music. And we'd talk about things that were happening in our day to day lives.
I ended up joining Roller Derby because it gave me something to do to get out of the house. We had moved close to the Ex's mom, and I was able to talk her into taking me to practice. By that time, I was already in the habit of sending Stephen a message on Facebook as soon as I would wake up every morning, before I would even get out of bed, and he would very enthusiastically greet me back and tell me good morning. It never took him long to respond - he was always already awake and waiting for my first message of the day. So, he was happy for me that I joined Roller Derby and could go do something. But, he was also sad when I would leave for practice. So I always made sure to message him as soon as I got home. I don't think I wanted to admit it to myself just yet, but I missed talking to him while I was gone, too.
That denial wouldn't last very long. I wasn't done learning how to play derby, hadn't even been put on a team yet, before I decided to come clean with him that my relationship with the Ex wasn't as great as I pretended it was. He was actually the first person I would tell about that.
Stephen was always very respectful and he always treated me as strictly his best friend, and never tried to make a move on me. He told me that I really needed to talk this over with the Ex. But I explained to him that I had been doing that for nine years, and nothing had ever changed. I told him that I planned on breaking up with the Ex, but I didn't know when I'd have the courage. He said he'd be there for me whenever I needed him.
The last part of the story up until now, I'll save for another day!
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
How it Started (Part One)
I've never been a social butterfly. I've never been able to understand or connect with other people. I'm sure having an abusive upbringing and also being Autistic probably had something to do with that.
I used to be on my computer a lot. By a lot, I mean all the time. I used online games as a social outlet. It was much easier to avoid the bullying that caused my social anxiety that way.
When I was sixteen, I found a boyfriend. (We'll just call him the Ex.) He was one of the few people to actually pay attention to me, and so I thought he must be really awesome. I thought that for a few years. When I was 18, I quickly moved in with him. I was pretty eager to get out of my house and as far away from having contact with my dad as I could. In a way, this boyfriend saved my life. I was on the verge of suicide before meeting him. But, I quickly found out that he wasn't the knight in shining armor I thought he was. I won't get into that here. I'll just say he wasn't downright horrible - he never hit me or anything. However, he was far from a saint and had tendencies that I now understand to be more subtle forms of abuse and manipulation. I realized this not long after moving in with him, but I stayed because I was afraid to move back in with my mom. I stayed with him for nine years, and I lived with him for seven of those years. I wasn't happy with life, but it was still preferable to what I had before that so I accepted it and I figured that's just how things were going to be for the rest of my life. I thought no one else would want me anyway, so I made the best of it. I never told anyone that I wasn't happy and wanted to leave. In truth, I blamed myself for it most of the time.
By the time I was twenty, I had mostly quit playing online games. I was trying to get healthy, and to have a more positive outlook on things. But when you're disabled and can't drive or hold down a job, and the only person you are still in contact with works out of town all week and ignores you when he's home, things can get pretty dull and lonely.
When I was about twenty four, I was so bored of sitting at home all of the time that I was desperate to find something to kill time with, so I decided to try playing some online games again. Most of them bored me immediately, either because I had played them before or they were just plain uninteresting. But then I found one called Ragnarok Online 2 that I decided to stick with because it seemed to be the best one out of the choices I had, even though I didn't really want to play any at all.
And of course, I wanted to play because I wanted to try to find people who were probably similar to me, and that weren't intimidating, that I could socialize with. So I wanted to try to find a guild to join in the game. (For anyone reading who doesn't know, a guild is like a club. It's just a small group of people with a name that you can talk to and play the game with. Usually you'll see people advertising their guilds in the game's chat box.) I saw one named after a cartoon that I used to watch sometimes when I was younger, so I decided to join that one. That was when I met the person who would change my life.
(For privacy purposes, we'll change his name and call him Stephen)
Stephen had also been taking a break from online games before deciding to play this one. He had also played them a lot before taking a break from them. And he also had never really had an easy time making friends.
One of the first conversations I had with him started because I was talking with another girl in the guild about being insecure about the size of our noses. I remember him telling us that he's sure our noses were fine, and that he doesn't care about someone's nose size when he goes to date them. I never thought that two years later, I'd be living with him. I had a boyfriend, after all. And I was never into the whole internet dating and long distance relationship sort of thing, anyway. At the time, he was just another random person on the internet.
(Part Two will be posted tomorrow!)
I used to be on my computer a lot. By a lot, I mean all the time. I used online games as a social outlet. It was much easier to avoid the bullying that caused my social anxiety that way.
When I was sixteen, I found a boyfriend. (We'll just call him the Ex.) He was one of the few people to actually pay attention to me, and so I thought he must be really awesome. I thought that for a few years. When I was 18, I quickly moved in with him. I was pretty eager to get out of my house and as far away from having contact with my dad as I could. In a way, this boyfriend saved my life. I was on the verge of suicide before meeting him. But, I quickly found out that he wasn't the knight in shining armor I thought he was. I won't get into that here. I'll just say he wasn't downright horrible - he never hit me or anything. However, he was far from a saint and had tendencies that I now understand to be more subtle forms of abuse and manipulation. I realized this not long after moving in with him, but I stayed because I was afraid to move back in with my mom. I stayed with him for nine years, and I lived with him for seven of those years. I wasn't happy with life, but it was still preferable to what I had before that so I accepted it and I figured that's just how things were going to be for the rest of my life. I thought no one else would want me anyway, so I made the best of it. I never told anyone that I wasn't happy and wanted to leave. In truth, I blamed myself for it most of the time.
By the time I was twenty, I had mostly quit playing online games. I was trying to get healthy, and to have a more positive outlook on things. But when you're disabled and can't drive or hold down a job, and the only person you are still in contact with works out of town all week and ignores you when he's home, things can get pretty dull and lonely.
When I was about twenty four, I was so bored of sitting at home all of the time that I was desperate to find something to kill time with, so I decided to try playing some online games again. Most of them bored me immediately, either because I had played them before or they were just plain uninteresting. But then I found one called Ragnarok Online 2 that I decided to stick with because it seemed to be the best one out of the choices I had, even though I didn't really want to play any at all.
And of course, I wanted to play because I wanted to try to find people who were probably similar to me, and that weren't intimidating, that I could socialize with. So I wanted to try to find a guild to join in the game. (For anyone reading who doesn't know, a guild is like a club. It's just a small group of people with a name that you can talk to and play the game with. Usually you'll see people advertising their guilds in the game's chat box.) I saw one named after a cartoon that I used to watch sometimes when I was younger, so I decided to join that one. That was when I met the person who would change my life.
(For privacy purposes, we'll change his name and call him Stephen)
Stephen had also been taking a break from online games before deciding to play this one. He had also played them a lot before taking a break from them. And he also had never really had an easy time making friends.
One of the first conversations I had with him started because I was talking with another girl in the guild about being insecure about the size of our noses. I remember him telling us that he's sure our noses were fine, and that he doesn't care about someone's nose size when he goes to date them. I never thought that two years later, I'd be living with him. I had a boyfriend, after all. And I was never into the whole internet dating and long distance relationship sort of thing, anyway. At the time, he was just another random person on the internet.
(Part Two will be posted tomorrow!)
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